


Secret Satan

by platonic_boner



Category: Dark Matter (TV)
Genre: Christmas, Crew as Family, Fluff, Gen, Raza Crew
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-09 07:17:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12882846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/platonic_boner/pseuds/platonic_boner
Summary: Some members of the Raza crew have a lot more Christmas spirit than others.





	Secret Satan

Five guilts them into it. Near the end of November, she starts dropping hints around One and Six.

“It’s kind of sad that none of us can remember a Christmas,” she mentions to Six.

“I guess so,” Six says.

“It would be nice to remember just one, you know?” Five sighs wistfully.

“I wonder what I used to do for Christmas,” she says to One, a little while later. “Do you think I had anyone to spend it with?”

“I’m sure you did,” One lies. Badly.

Five makes a sad face and stares off mournfully into the distance. Her acting is a little over the top, but Three has to admit she’s effectively chosen her targets: they eat it right up. He’d be impressed if it weren’t for the fact that he’s now being dragged to a meeting in the mess to plan Christmas.

He slumps into a seat at the table with Two and Four. One and Six are standing at the other end of the table, a united front of Christmas spirit.

“We want to do something for Christmas for Five,” One announces.

“Great. Knock yourselves out. Can I go?” Three asks.

“No,” Six says.

“Christmas is about family,” One says.

“Are you saying we’re family?” Three demands incredulously, pointing back and forth between the two of them. “Because, uh, _no_.”

One takes offence, but Six stops him before he can get into a fight with Three and get derailed from their Christmas planning. Damn.

“We're saying we’re all the family Five’s got,” Six says.

“Well that’s just sad for her,” Three says.

“All right, stop it,” Two orders him. She looks at One and Six. “What are you thinking of?”

“Nothing huge,” Six says. “A little Christmas tree. Some cookies on Christmas Eve. A Secret Santa exchange.”

“Whoooaaa,” Three says. “Absolutely not.”

“That sounds fine,” Two says.

“This is ridiculous. Four, back me up, c’mon man.”

Four shrugs. “I see no harm in it.”

Damn it.

“Looks like you’re outvoted,” One says, smirking. “I’m gonna call Five so we can pick names for the Secret Santa. Try not to be a Scrooge.”

Damn it all.

*

Five’s thrilled. Three would mark her at about an 8/10 for her “delighted surprise” impression. 

“So, I’ll write down all our names and we’ll draw,” says One.

“Wait, what about Android?” Five asks. She looks around at everyone when nobody answers her. “We can’t leave her out!”

“I don’t think androids do Christmas,” One says awkwardly.

Three grins. Having the robot take part in the Secret Santa is a terrible idea, but if One doesn’t like it, Three is all for it. He kicks One’s shin and asks, “What happened to everybody does Christmas?”

“Fine,” One says.

Five beams and comms Android. 

One puts torn up papers in a bowl and holds it out to each crew member in turn. Two, Four, Six, and Android all take a name. Five pulls out a paper, then makes a face. “I got my own name,” she says.

“Put it back in and pick another one,” One says, offering her the bowl again. 

Three takes a name next, and finally One.

Three and One read their names at the same time, then One turns to glare at Three and Three to smirk evilly at him.

Three’s got the kid.

Three’s got the power to _ruin Christmas_ and One knows it.

This Secret Santa is looking more and more fun.

*

It only takes three jokes about coal before One grabs Three by the arm and drags him onto the bridge to try to have Two sort him out.

“Can you two go one day without arguing?” Two asks. “Seriously.”

“This is important!” One insists. “He’s got Five for the Secret Santa, and he’s going to ruin it! You have to stop him.”

“Two things,” Three says. “First, it’s called _Secret_ Santa, you aren’t supposed to tell anybody who I’ve got. And second, you both _ordered_ me to take part in this thing; you can’t stop me now.”

“He’s gonna ruin her Christmas,” One says. 

“Now, would I do that?” Three asks. “Although, she’s breaking a lot of laws right now, and she doesn’t keep her room very tidy - traditionally, she does deserve coal.”

“Three,” Two says, crossing her arms and focussing all her attention on him. Yeah, no, that’s not intimidating at all. “If you ruin Five’s day, I’ll ruin yours. Are we clear?”

“Crystal,” Three says. He waits till she turns her back, and then winks at One.

One splutters. “You’re not going to stop him? Just tell him he has to switch with me. Then he can’t mess anything up. He’s threatening to get her _coal_ , Two!”

“Where the hell would he get coal?” Two asks. “Now get off my bridge, both of you.”

Three walks away whistling _We Wish You A Merry Christmas_.

*

They stop at a station in early December. One starts out sticking annoyingly to Three’s side, following him everywhere and insisting he not “forget” to buy the kid a present. To Three’s enormous delight, it’s Five herself who draws his annoying stalker away, by dragging him off to help pick out the Christmas tree for the ship.

Three waggles his fingers in an exaggerated wave goodbye, and One clenches his fists but can’t say a thing in front of Five.

Three has lots of time to get a totally, definitely awesome present for the kid. Really. She’ll absolutely _love_ it.

*

One is alternating between terrified and fuming, and Three could just stop there. Three maybe _should_ just stop there, because Two’s starting to give him some sharp looks that could be dangerous. But. One’s face and superior attitude are just so _annoying_ , and the kid’s so excited by the Christmas tree and lights and decorations that it’s just so _easy_ to ask, “Looking forward to Christmas, kid?”

“Yes!” Five says, eyes alight. “It’s gonna be so much fun!”

Meanwhile, in the background, One’s actually started shaking with fury.

The kid is usually suspicious whenever Three’s nice to her - she’s got good instincts - but she’s too happy now to remember to be wary. Three takes advantage.

“What’re you most excited for?”

“The Secret Santa,” Five says. “I can’t wait to see what everybody gets! What about you?”

Three pretends to think about it for a minute, then says, “The look on someone’s face when they open the present I got them.” He flicks his eyes up to One to make sure One gets it.

Yeah, One gets it, all right.

One looks like he wants to strangle him.

“That’s surprisingly nice,” Five says.

“What can I say?” Three asks, spreading his hands wide. “Christmas brings out the best in people.”

*

Late on Christmas Eve, Three’s assembling his presents for Five when there’s a knock on his door.

“Busy being Santa!” he says. He makes sure to sound slightly ominous, in case it’s One at the door.

“It’s Two,” Two says. “Open up.”

She sounds very cross. Three scrambles over to the door and presses the button to open it. “What’s up, boss?”

Two’s got her arms crossed. “All right, I genuinely can’t tell at this point if you’re just fucking with One or if you’re really planning to give Five something terrible, or nothing at all,” she says. “I thought I knew you weren’t gonna do that, but it’s Christmas in under an hour, and you’re the only one who hasn’t put a present under the tree. So you’re gonna show me what you’re giving her, right now, and if it’s horrible, I’m replacing it. Because ruining that kid’s Christmas would be the most despicable -”

Three steps aside so she can see the presents laid out on his desk: two pairs of tall, thick, colourful striped socks, and a whole mound of wrapped chocolate and candy, some of which is already inside the socks.

“Oh,” Two says, uncrossing her arms and looking a bit sheepish. Well, as sheepish as a badass with at least half a dozen weapons strapped to her body can look.

“You can help me finish stuffing them,” Three offers, smiling angelically. “I’m waiting till the kid’s definitely asleep before I put them out, because I’m not gonna wrap them. They count as stockings.”

Two smiles slowly and shakes her head at him. “Shit, you had me going there for a minute.”

“And it was the proudest minute of my life.”

“She’ll love these.”

“I know.”

Two shakes her head again. “I’m not going to help you stuff them,” she says. “I’ll do you one better. I’ll kick One out of the mess so he doesn’t see you drop them off.”

Three gives her a huge grin.

“Merry Christmas, you idiot,” Two says, and leaves.

*

Five wakes them all up at six in the morning. Three stumbles out into the hallway, bleary-eyed, and finds most of the rest of the crew doing the same. The exceptions are Four, who was probably awake and training since five in the morning; Android, who’s just as composed as ever (though wearing a Santa hat); and Five, who’s bouncing and jumping excitedly. Five hasn’t given them time to change, so everybody’s in their pyjamas, although Six is wearing a hideous Christmas sweater, and Three’s not going anywhere without his guns in his belt.

“You sure we can’t go back to sleep for a couple more hours, kid?” Three asks, yawning as he buckles the gun belt on.

“Sure you can,” Five says, looking askance at the guns, but not commenting. Smart girl. “Right after presents!”

That seems to wake One up with a little jolt, panic entering his eyes, which in turn makes Three a little more cheerful about being up this early.

“Right! Presents! Lead the way, kiddo.”

Five immediately heads off towards the mess, with the rest of the crew following her. One grabs Three’s arm and pulls him to the back of the procession.

“I’m going to kill you.”

“You should really work a little harder on getting into the Christmas spirit,” Three says, and gives One a friendly clap on the shoulder.

Two catches his eye with a small smirk.

“I’m gonna tell her,” One mutters. “Before she finds out for herself. It’ll be better that way-”

He’s cut off by Five’s delighted shriek when she enters the mess. Three’s the last one in, so by the time he gets there, Five’s already sitting under the tree where the socks are.

“They’re so _soft_. And colourful! And -” she pauses. “These _are_ for me, right?”

“Yeah, kiddo, they’re for you,” Three says.

Five beams at him and jumps up from under the tree to give him a hug. After a moment, Three returns it - he can’t go ruining the kid’s Christmas _now_ , can he?

“Thank you,” Five says, still smiling like she can’t control her own face.

“Yeah, whatever,” Three grunts.

“Hey, Five,” Six says. “Want to hand out the rest of the presents?”

“Sure!” Five says, bouncing back over to the tree.

The others sit around the table. Three finally thinks to look away from the kid’s delighted face and survey the other results of his work. One’s sitting across from him; his mouth is hanging open and he looks totally flabbergasted. Three nudges him with a boot, and when One meets his eyes, he winks. 

One’s shock turns to _outrage_ , which is massively satisfying. He opens his mouth, presumably to swear at Three, but before he has the chance, there’s the dull thud of a boot hitting flesh - this time Two has kicked One. One scowls but shuts his mouth, and Three grins and sits back and thinks, _Merry Christmas to me_.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy holidays! :D


End file.
